This last year has not been easy for me emotionally or
mentally. This is not a ‘silver-lining’
kind of blog. I admit that some situations for some people are genuinely too horrific to
ever find justification in. Instead, it is a blog about the greatest balancing
act of all.
I have always been a very optimistic person, even from a
young age. I was always quick to see the good in people, or to seek explanation
for bad behaviour in past occurrences and life experiences. Up to
this point in life I had always been in a particularly positive place where it
was very easy to brush aside those who appeared to destroy my happy go lucky
attitude. I had never been bullied or made to feel littler than someone,
because I was always in such a good place that I was able to avoid feelings of
belittlement.
Unfortunately, I became vulnerable. I allowed myself to
enter a very, very sad mind state and I kept myself there with all my sad songs
and my poor judgement and my bad decisions. Not deliberately, you understand,
but an accidental sadness. You see, when you are in a position like I was in,
sad is familiar. It is easier to keep yourself there than to entertain other
emotions that you don’t understand, nor are you ready to process. I was suddenly very, very influenced by what
people thought of me. I could no longer validate myself, or support my own
statements. Because I was such a shadow of myself that I didn’t even believe in
me. During this time period, I made some
decisions that ended up hurting people I never set out to hurt at all. I also attracted
some unsavoury attention which highlighted just how dangerous the wrong
information and assumptions can be. This was particularly distressing for me,
simply because I have never been a talked about commodity and I have never much
cared for people’s thoughts on me. This awareness was new. I
allowed these assumptions to shape my emotions, my feelings and - worst of all
- my anxiety, because of this stage in my life that I was in. I sat down for
hours, trying to work out why I was stuck here in this rut where I allowed people
to keep me in the dark.
It took me a very long time to come to the end of my proverbial
tunnel. Whilst the negative influence did drive me back into the darkness
momentarily, I realised I had to make a decision. It came to me very suddenly; I could let life get the better of me, or I
could get better at life. So I chose light. My light. I realised that my light
in particular was surrounded by a whole lot of shade, and that I would have to
fight to get to it. Most of all, I realised to illuminate the
darkness I had to burn brighter, not cower further into the corner.
When I did, I realised that my light had never really
gone away at all. It had just been masked by a gigantic, multi-factorial rain cloud. And it was
really as simple as making a decision and sticking with it. A friend of mine
offered me some very basic, sound advice in a light hearted chat. “Protect your
assets”, she said. “People should learn to protect their assets”. I have already told her that I don’t think she’ll
ever know exactly what chain of events this activated, but I adopted it as my
motto; my mantra, even. I realised that my greatest asset was my piece of mind,
and my well being. Life does not exist as
a series of positive events.
Rather, it is a yin and yang existence that we require for balance.
We all exist as individuals, but we make
conscious choices to cast our shadows on others, or to shed light to help them find the
way. Along the way, learn that in order
to forgive we must see both sides of the coin. For that, I am grateful for my
own shadows. They have taught me to appreciate that the darkest of night gives rise
to the day.
Accept your own darkness and your own light. Accept that you
must find your own balance and your own understanding before you make choices
that will influence other people, but know also that other people will seek to
keep you in their shadow. Never forget,
but do not wallow.
For you see, without the lows, how would we ever know when
we hit the highs?
